Smiling Friends Electoral Analysis, 2024's Third Parties, and the Kamala Comeback.

Answering reader inquiries, post-conviction edition.

Miggy asks: “If Squiggly Miggly didn’t end his life with a 3D printed shotgun, would President Jimble stand a better chance against Mr. Frog?”

This is possibly the most important question I have been asked in any of these mailbags, and I will do my best to answer it fully. For those who don’t follow politics, America’s recent election just saw the unpopular incumbent President Jimble—who just recently assumed the office following the death of his predecessor, President Pinhead—narrowly lose his re-election campaign against Mr. Frog and the late Squiggly Miggly. While the President was at one point projected to lose every single state, he wound up pulling off a major, unexpected comeback following a crushing victory at the debate. Ultimately, he only lost by a single vote.

The map of the 2024 election just before Pennsylvania was called for Mr. Frog. Photo: Adult Swim.

Like any other close election, you can point to any number of events as potentially decisive. It’s entirely possible, for instance, that the President shitting his pants, crashing the economy and embracing the infamous Prime Minister Blingo in the same day could have been what cost him that pivotal vote in Pennsylvania. Still, the one “what if” that has particularly vexed the President’s partisans, still smarting that “Dark Jimble'' could have possibly lost, is the sudden death of Squiggly Miggly right before the election. Among those who haven’t accepted the argument that Jimble only lost because of his radical FTC director, it has become something of a consensus that Squiggly Miggly’s untimely death cost the President the race by consolidating the anti-Jimble vote around one candidate. Some have even gone as far as to allege foul play, putting together conspiracies that stretch up to Mr. Frog himself.

I completely disagree with this, and not just because the idea of Mr. Frog ever doing something so violent is laughable on its face (although it is). In reality, Mr. Frog had absolutely nothing to gain from Squiggly Miggly’s death. It hurt him far more than it helped him, which is a fact that should be obvious to anyone who followed the race even casually. As seen in his acceptance speech in New Hampshire after he narrowly clinched his party’s nomination, Squiggly Miggly, bless his soul, never ran on change. He ran on a platform of stability that made him far more appealing to Jimble supporters than Mr. Frog supporters. Just think of his line of the night: “I’m the only one speaking any sense in this race!” It was an apolitical, technocratic appeal for better governance, not a Frog-esque call for radical change.

Those who followed the primary race would know that this was exactly why Squiggly Miggly only narrowly won the nomination despite his impeccable credentials and sex appeal. Like his hero Francisco Franco, Squiggly Miggly had spent the entire primary season triangulating, trying to secure a cross-partisan appeal that could survive the President’s notoriously brutal campaign tactics. You’ll know that I always called this a curious decision, especially in light of how much his party was benefitting from the Dobbs effect, and, in the end, it backfired massively. By giving up the mantle of change in his effort to win over hardcore Jimble partisans, Squiggly Miggly left open a massive lane for anyone willing to stand against the status quo—one that Mr. Frog filled with gusto. Ironically, this would leave Squiggly Miggly playing spoiler for President Jimble himself, his ostensive rival, because of how much he imitated his brand of quiet competence.

As an aside, it’s very much worth noting that those infamous projections of a 50-state Mr. Frog sweep were made while it was still a three-person race between him, Squiggly Miggly and the President. That isn’t happening if Squiggly Miggly’s presence is hurting Mr. Frog. It happens if it’s helping him.

In this light, the baseless claims that Mr. Frog could have possibly played a hand in someone’s death look a lot more like projection than genuinely credible allegations. I’m no fan of the President-elect, but I’ll be honest: the disrespect for the office shown by questions like these completely disgusts me. If the Jimble diehards don’t clean up their act soon, they’ll have made a Mr. Frog voter out of me come 2028—and I know I’m not alone.

Dan S asks: “Seems like ‘Biden should step aside’ is getting slightly more serious consideration in some political discussions. If it did happen at this point, how would it play out?”